First segment- A-Rod, Elton Brand, Brett Favre at the mall - The Boom Dizzle Show

INT. A TABLE IN A MALL FOOD COURT - DAY

Three teenage girls, are sitting around the table of a food
court taking a break from a shopping spree. Alex is a latina
girl wearing a New York Yankees jersey. Brande is a black
girl wearing a Clippers basketball jersey. Favrie Doll is a
white girl wearing a #4 Packers football jersey.

ALEX
Squeeeee!!!! I got another text
from Madonna! We are so BFF,
y'all! Who you blowin' up, Brandi-
Girl?

BRANDE
(looking up while texting)
Shoo hold on with your Madonna
loving self, yo! I'm just sending
out a group message telling
everybody it's "You Me and BD"

Alex's pager goes off. Alex jumps out of her seat

ALEX
(excited)
Oh Em Gee! She sent a text back!
Woo Hooo We are gonna so be like
that time she frenched Britney and
Xtina on the MTV awards!

Alex tries to kiss Brande and Favie Doll. They both fight her
off.

ALEX (CONT'D)
(singing and dancing)
I kissed a girl and I liked it...
We are so totally soulmates

Favrie Doll puts her crackberry down and slumps in her chair
and is fighting back tears.

BRANDE
(looking at Favrie Doll)
Damn girl what you doin getting all
emo again? What's wrong this time?

FAVRIE DOLL
(on the verge of crying)
Nothing.

Farvre Doll bursts into tears. Alex looks at Farvie and
grabs her phone.

ALEX
(disgusted)
Have you been texting HIM again?

FAVRIE DOLL
(full out bawling
Yes.

BRANDE
Damn girl why you gotta act the fool?

FAVRIE DOLL
(near hysterics)
I miss him so much. I just want
him back. I need him to love me
again!

ALEX
(increasingly disgusted)
Chica! Chu were the one who dumped
him in front of the whole world,
crying about how you were done with
him forever! Now a few months go
by and you expect him to take you
back?

FAVRIE DOLL
(now a combination of
angry and sad)
Shut up! He said he would love me
forever! Besides, he sorta taking
me back...

BRANDE
What do you mean sorta?

FAVRIE DOLL
(embarrassed)
Well, he said he we could hang out,
but...

ALEX
He's not breaking up with Erin
(Aaron) is he?

FAVRIE DOLL
(full blown hysterics) I hate that
bitch! I am so much better than
that slut Erin. Erin doesn't have
the history I have. Erin's just a
slut who won't last. I'll show
them!

Favrie Doll reaches into her purse and grabs a pill.

BRANDE
(slaps the pill out of
Favrie Dolls hand)
Girl! You been sneakin' into your
Momma's percocets again? You know
damn well that you and painkillers
don't mix!

Farvie Doll breaks down while Alex tries to comfort her.

BRANDE (CONT'D)
(pulls out cell phone)
Hold up I gotta call Mike real
quick.

ALEX
It's okay Favrie Doll, we'll go
hang out with Madonna and I promise
you that Kaballah will make you
feel all better.

BRANDE
(irritated)
What you mean he ain't there? Mike
I'm telling you if you can't three
way Donald right now we're done!
Oh you gonna be like that then. I
see how it is.

Brande reaches into her back and pulls out a Warriors jersey
and throws it aside. She pulls out a 76'ers jersey and puts
it over her Clippers jersey. She then makes one last text.

CUT TO:



INT. TELEVISION STUDIO

Boom Dizzle looks at his phone, becomes enraged and chucks it
across the room.

BOOM DIZZLE
Mother Fu-

STAGE DIRECTOR
Baron your on in five. Four. Three.
Two. One

CHRIS KAMAN
(exaggerated)
And now live from los Angeles
California, home of the the New Era
Los Angeles Clippers. Here is your
host Number #4 your NEW point guard
Boooom Dizzle!

This is the set of a live studio audience talk show. Boom
Dizzle is heading towards his desk. Chris Kaman takes the
couch in the Ed McMahon - Andy Richter spot on the couch from
the side

BOOM DIZZLE
(settling in behind his
desk)
All right! It's great to back home
in Los Angeles. Everybody give a
hand to my new right hand, the
number one man, the man with no
tan, we're going to the promised
land. Chris Kaman!

Chris awkwardly acknowledges the crowd and is puzzled by
Boom's last comment.

CHRIS KAMAN
Well thanks Baron, but I think we'd
be remiss if we didn't acknowledge
our franchise player, Elton Brand.

BOOM DIZZLE
(discretely)
Yeah about that, check your cel
phone man.

CHRIS KAMAN
(checking his text
messages)
Whoa. So no Elton and no Corey.
Looks like we're going to have our
hands full.

BOOM DIZZLE
Nah, man this is Boom's show and
one thing you gotta learn Chris, is
that you don't contradict Boom on
his show.

CHRIS KAMAN
(rolling his eyes)
Whatever you say Boom.

BOOM DIZZLE
I mean it.

Glares at Kaman

BOOM DIZZLE (CONT'D)
Hey, but we're going to be okay, we
got you down low, me running the
point and Quentin Richardson
dropping threes.

CHRIS KAMAN
(hesitantly)
You mean Quinton Ross

Boom glares at Kaman a bit longer.

BOOM DIZZLE
(under his breath)
Why don't we just get to the
monologue.

Boom composes himself and goes into his best talk show host
mode.

BOOM DIZZLE (CONT'D)
Hey Chris, did you know that I won
the competition for best beard on
my website www.ibeatyou.com

CHRIS KAMAN
Really?

BOOM DIZZLE
Isn't it ironic that I ended up
playing for a team named the
Clippers?

CHRIS KAMAN
I don't get it.

BOOM DIZZLE
You know...beard? Clippers?
Shaving?

CHRIS KAMAN
Baron a Clipper is a type of boat,
the team is named after a boat not
a barber's tool.

BOOM DIZZLE
That's it!

Baron pulls out a button like apparatus encased in glass
similar to the Deal or No Deal button

BOOM DIZZLE (CONT'D)
(pushes the button)
It's Reggie Evans time sucka!

On the screen is a replay of the Chris Kaman-Reggie Evans
incident where Evans, during a game, had reached into Kaman's
shorts and pulled at Kaman's penis and or testicles. An air
raid horn is going off into the background and as soon as the
replay fades from the screen, out comes Reggie Evans.

BOOM DIZZLE (CONT'D)
Get him Reggie Evans! Get him! Get
him!

Evans lunges and reaches towards Kaman's crotch. Kaman
fights him off and gets up from the couch and exits offstage.
Evans follows still taking swipes at Kaman's groin area.

BOOM DIZZLE (CONT'D)
Now for my the first guest ever on
the Boom Dizzle show please welcome
world record holder and two-time
champion of the Nathan's Hot Dog
Fourth of July Hot Dog eating
contest, Mr. Joey Chestnut!

Joey Chestnuts enters and exchanges pleasantries with Boom
Dizzle and sits down at the couch.

BOOM DIZZLE (CONT'D)
Joey Chestnut, so nice to have you
on you on the Boom Dizzle Show.

JOEY CHESTNUT
Thank you for having me Boom.

BOOM DIZZLE
Now Joey, on the Fourth of July you
set a new record by eating 59 hot
dogs in ten minutes which is a feat
unto itself, but then you and the
Japanese dude had to have hot-dog
off where you had to eat five more
hot dogs as fast as possible.
Mentally what goes through your
head that helps you eat all of
those hot dogs.

JOEY CHESTNUT
Penises.

BOOM DIZZLE
Say what?

JOEY CHESTNUT
Penises. I imagine that the hot
dogs are penises. I mean, I love
sucking penises, but you can suck
on a penis all day and not be able
to eat one. Well, there is one
place in Costa Rica, but that's
besides the point. I just think of
each hot dog as a penis that I get
to swallow and pass through my
digestive tract and that pretty
much gets me through.

BOOM DIZZLE
(disgusted and in shock)
Fer rizzle?

JOEY CHESTNUT
Yeah, in fact for the entire ten
minutes of the Nathan's
competition, I was repeating to
myself in my head "mmmm, big juicy
penises, I love em, I can't get
enough of them" Heh, then what do
you know? Ten minutes later, A NEW
WORLD RECORD!

BOOM DIZZLE
(throwing his hands up )
That's it I'm outta here

Baron gets up to leave and storms offstage

BOOM DIZZLE (CONT'D)
I left sold out crowds in the
Oracle for this bullshi-

The Boom Dizzle Show graphic appears and the bumper music
plays.

FADE TO:
Fake Commercial

This is a parody of the Coach K American Express Commercials.
Playing onscreen are images of Coach K lecturing his former
players.

Voice Over
I am a leader who happens to coach
basketball

COACH K
Now we'll be going over contract
extensions and how to get the most
out of them.

V.O
When they get out into the
workplace, they're armed with not
just a jump shot or a dribble. I
want you armed for life.

COACH K
The most important thing you have
to remember is that you are not
legally bound to anything until you
actually sign a contract. You can
say anything you want to up until
the time you sign. There is no
such thing as lying when it comes
to contract negotiations. It
doesn't matter what you say in the
press or to the organization. In a
negotiation lying means jack-shit

V.O
I want you to develop as a player.
I want you to develop as a student,
and I want you to develop as a
human being.

COACH K
So no matter how much you love your
team, coach, owner, you can say
whatever you need to say in order
to get the biggest extension you
can. It doesn't matter if your
coach is your friend or your owner
is visually impaired. Lie all you
want and all that you can get away
with. Once you sign with your new
team, your new fans are gonna love
you anyway. When you get called on
your bullshit, just deny it! What's
another lie gonna hurt when you've
already told a hundred.

V.O
My life isn't about playing games.
That's why my card is American
Express."